The Key

Relationships – platonic, familial, professional, romantic – have always been tricky for me. Unless related to me, my attempts at growing deep, permanent roots with another person have been relatively unsuccessful. I think abandonment is a true fear of mine. This has been a recent realization, although as I look back on my life I can see myself controlling that emotion more and more. I’ve allowed myself to become brokenhearted in friendships and partnerships so many times that I come to expect it. I’m sure this effects my relationships on levels I’m not even aware of.

It has now been five months since I’ve held a job. I have all but isolated myself; this has become the least social moment of my life. I used to go out every day of my life. In fact, the very nature of the hospitality industry requires you to be very social and that was the part of my job I loved the most. The community that a restaurant or bar can create is special and was my driving motivation to pursue this industry as a full time career. At this moment, I want to be as far away from that as possible.

Depression is a son of a bitch. In the past 5 months I’ve gone weeks without leaving the house and days without leaving my bed. The idea of seeing another person left me paralyzed with anxiety at times. It could take me a week to build up the courage to make a scheduled appointment, and days to look at an email or text. In the periods of time leading up to accomplishing these tasks, I would incessantly beat myself up about it:
‘You are worthless’, ‘No one else has a problem with this!’, ‘What is wrong with you?!’, ‘Just do it already’, ‘I can’t’, ‘What if they think of me like [insert any manner of judgement]’, ‘No wonder you failed at _______’, ‘No wonder no one loves you’, ‘Why do you even bother?’, ‘I just want this to end’, ‘What’s the point of trying?’
I could go on forever. Then come the tears, then comes the self-criticism of the tears, then comes the sleepless nights of tireless circles of negative thoughts that I cannot turn off, then comes the drinking to shut them off, then comes the morning after (or late afternoon, depending on when I finally fell asleep) and self loathing.

So, when this is the sort of thing that you’re going through, how do you get out of it? I have no answer for this. For me, it is like a light switch. For months I will be fine – can even find moments of happiness, excitement, and joy. Then, suddenly, I will be in the depths of a deep depression that can last for even longer. In the past year, my good moments seemed to last about 6 weeks at a time, while my depression would last for several months and reached levels I had never experienced before.

There are a few things I have done since my self-proclaimed “rock bottom” moment that I think have helped:

One.   The first, and probably most important thing I did, was I asked for help. I called my parents to say I needed real and immediate help. I knew I wanted to go somewhere – I didn’t know where, but I needed someone to take care of me. I know that sounds weak and pathetic. Asking for help is not something I do very often, and I was desperate in this moment. The same day I called my parents, I flew out to stay with my father until we figured out my next move. My father, mother, and I spent 10 days researching and forming a plan…

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